Congrats, You’ve Passed
I usually spend New Year’s Eve cleansing my space and indulging in self-care rituals, hoping to leave the past behind and call in a clean slate.
Last year was different.
There was seemingly no ritual to be had, having spent the year doing intense shadow work and grieving the identity I walked away from. The heaviness I endured couldn’t be erased by a shaved head or organized closest, so I chose to do away with the formalities and accept myself as I was in the present.
I didn’t enter 2022 feeling my best or with an aesthetically pleasing space, but I did feel enough as is; the true life-changing moment.
I woke up the next morning feeling lighter, like the weight of the past two years had lifted. My days haven’t been as dark since, almost as if my self-acceptance was the final test before graduation.
My journey to that point began at the start of the pandemic. I was in Jamaica with COVID-19 symptoms and isolated for four weeks in my apartment. The stillness I endured was suffocating, and it tore down illusionary walls I’d managed to maintain during the hustle and bustle of normalcy.
I had no choice but to sit with the parts of myself I’d abandoned or the realization that I’d outgrown numerous areas of my life. Feeling hopeless and at war within myself, I moved back home to figure out my next steps. I left the life I’d worked tirelessly to build and spent three months resting with no trajectory.
The pandemic was the second time in my life that some greater force asked me to be still, the first being post high school graduation when I navigated four years of adulthood as an illegal immigrant. Though it felt like the world had written its future without me, the experience somehow left me empowered and with a strong foundation in self-belief.
My second bout with stillness, on the contrary, left me more undone than anything. The foundation I’d built as an illegal immigrant was no longer serving, especially since my self-esteem had grown roots externally.
I’ve spent these past two years navigating turbulent waters to return home to myself. Home isn’t perfect, but the foundation is getting stronger each day. The journey here has been my greatest accomplishment thus far.